Ho Ho Ho

[Gimps]

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!

Tis the tale of ‘A Very Filthy Christmas 2013’


What a year it has been for our old chum Filthy. You may remember he was doing particularly at the time of the last Filthy Christmas instalment – with his restaurant, La Filtharia. Well, how the tables have turned. It seems that his No.1 friend and fan, Mr. Hill, was Filthy’s last customer.

Someone had called the Health Department. Filthy’s famous Arse Cheek Jaffle had been Red Flagged. The mystery caller had provided a sample of the product to the authorities. When the test results came back, the Cheesey Pepperoni (dick cheese & haemorrhoid scab) omelette returned traces of semen.

That was the end of La Filtharia, and boy, Filthy was devastated.

Mr.Hill went straight to Filthy’s house (a piss-stained cardboard box) as soon as he heard the news. Filthy cried on Mr. Hill's shoulder, and Mr. HIll cried as he tried to take Filthy’s mind off his troubles - with a hummer.

“What are you going to do now Filthy?” Mr. Hill asked as he wiped a blob of cum from his eye.

“I haven’t told you this Mr. Hill, or anyone else. I received a large sum of cash from my Dad many years ago. It was a decent sum, but I've never felt comfortable to use it. But, I’ve decided to go to Vietnam to find the love of his life, and bring him back to Australia.” Filthy replied with great sadness in his eyes.

“Tell me about your Dad?” asked Mr. Hill.

“He was a great man, wouldn’t hurt a fly. He never did anything wrong, he was a loving and caring chap that would do anything for anyone – the work he did with young boys should be commended! He's 'Dad' to me, but everyone knows him as Gary Glitter. ”

“Ah yes, great man indeed. He taught me a few things when I was a young boy. I was part the filming of his live album, Gary Glitter's Gangshow. His friend Rolf also knew how to show a youngster a good time!”


So Filthy booked a flight (with Qantas of course), and took off on a spiritual journey to Vietnam. Upon arrival, Filthy was greeted at the airport by two 10 year old boys – he was going to be well looked after. The boys were from the “School of Glitter - For young boys that like to be stretched to their limits”.

Filthy arrived at the school and kissed the bronzed statue of his Dad out the front. “Oh Dad, I have missed you so much. Never fear, your legacy will live on. I’ve brought Tonto (Gary's pre-jail lover) here to pay his respects.”

There is complete silence as Tonto bends over and kisses the plaque at the base of the statue.

Poooooooooooooof... Tonto let’s rip with one of the least menacing farts of all time, one that barely touches the sides.

“That was for you my big man. My toot toot misses you.”

“Why do you call it your toot toot?” asked Filthy.

“Because big man always used to say toot toot, the big train is going into the dark tunnel”


Filthy put his hand on Tonto’s shoulder and said “Let’s go back to my place in Australia. We can have Christmas dinner there. You can have two sausages this year. I’ll give you one, and my old mate Mr. Hill will give you one too!”.

“Yay! My toot toot is all tingly!” replied Tonto with a giant smile on his face.


Tonto was finding it hard to sleep on the flight back to Australia. Filthy thought it would be a good time to start teaching the young man about the Mighty Bombers. So Filthy handed over a piece of scrap paper that had a few lines jotted on it. The first line read “Ode to footy gods”.

Why have you forsaken the Essendon Football Club so devastatingly since 2001?

Year after f****** year after year?

What did Kevin do to...........................................................................................................


Tonto fell asleep.


Upon arriving home, Filthy was busy getting ready for Christmas Day. He fished through hundreds of bins to compile a Christmas Day feast. It was evident that he had left it too late, it was Christmas Eve, and he had virtually nothing. It was time to call in a favour.

After taking Tonto to the local public toilets, to make sure his arse was clean for a breakfast treat – Filthy paid a visit to his favourite Jewish friends, Jeremiah and Jethro. They were the proud owners of the famous Glicks & Dicks. Just like the famous Glicks, a successful chain of bakeries in Melbourne – these boys knew how to whip up some wicked pastries. The ‘Dicks’ are exactly what you are thinking; they offered their ding dongs for a fee.

I guess you are wondering how these boys built their empire. Through hard work, they have dominated the market, and have now set up a fantastic trading scheme. They own over 50 houses (cardboard boxes), and allow fellow homeless people to rent the properties without receiving cash in return. They trade for appliances (the space between arse cheeks) and ingredients to make their famous delicacies.

Filthy learned his craft with these Jewish boys. They are just two of the thousands of Jews that he knows. And because of this, he loves to call them all sorts of names. But it’s OK, he knows them well, and he is “just joshing”. Old Filth mastered the Arse Jaffle craft at Glicks & Dicks. The Jewish boys were so sad to see him go.

Filth was in a hurry, so he dropped off a bag of fresh dick cheese, and traded it for a Christmas dinner. While he was there, he thought he would re-live old times. Jeremiah & Jethro had a few visitors, so our friend put his hand up for a good old fashioned Screaming Eagle, it was beautiful. Full as a boot, and a little bit loose, Filthy headed home to see Tonto.

Even though it was Christmas Eve, Filthy didn’t want to waste any time. It was time to continue Tonto’s education. He passed on so many pearls of wisdom. This included a play-by-play of the 2011 clash between Essendon and Geelong, and a comprehensive wrap up of the game....

“Tonto, the Fluro Flogs tried hard....but couldn't get them over the line.

That free against Gus for the 1st Pussy Goal for holding the ball when he had one foot out of bounds (like the Heppel one vs Norf that the Pisshead says was wrong).

That bullshit free against Hibb in the last that gave them a sniff when Stevie J sucked in the Flog and goaled.

25 to them; 19 to us....yet possessions where 400+ us vs 290 them. Pretty hard to give away more frees when you've got the aget most of the time....but we managed to do it.”


He went on to give Tonto a warning about evil forces. The AFLSSR, the maggots, and a few blokes that he crosses paths with.

“I was saying to Boncer the other day. Listen pal...you, and several others just follow me around abusing the shit out of me and any opinion I may have whatever its merits. Just do what I do and I ignore you and you mates..... who know who they are...ignore me and this place will be a happier abode..”

“For some reason, Boncer didn’t think I made a lot of sense.”

“Him, Robbie, Bomberdonnie, Benny ‘The Redneck’ Doolan, and that f*cking Gimps! I hate all of them! No matter how hard I try, I can never get the better of them. I pretend to ignore them, but I just can’t. I try to hit back at them, but I can never find the words. Maybe I can find a way of silencing them for good? Wait! The cash that Dad gave me! I could use that to take them to court and sue them for defamation!”

Filthy drifted off to sleep, spooning Tonto, and dreaming of his plan to take his enemies to court.


It was Christmas morning, Mr. Hill had arrived. Filthy had his way with Tonto, Mr. Hill had his way with Tonto, Mr. Hill had his way with Filthy, vice versa & versa vice. They talked about the Bombers winning a Premiership in 2014, boat people, conspiracies (of the Essendon kind), the death of La Filtharia, the future, and how the three of them would make a great family.

They charged their glasses (filled with nice warm bubbly – urine) and Filthy made a toast..

“To Essendon, to my Dad, to the Jewish community, and to taking it in the pooper! Merry Christmas everybody!!”

[robbie67]

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.........

[BenDoolan]

I hear jingle bells.....

And something smells!

[Flip]

Oi....I object most strenuously to this article!

I am most definitely no poofter ..... however I did f**k a guy once who is!!!

[Gimps]

Oi....I object most strenuously to this article!

I am most definitely no poofter ..... however I did f**k a guy once who is!!!

=D>

[mdso]

Does that mean that the do'ee is labelled differently from the do'er? Whichever, whatever and whoever, as long as you are being filled and refilled. Merry Christmas.

[j-mac31]

Yeah, I'm not reading that.

[rockhole]

Sigh!!!

Some things never change!!

[boncer34]

tl;dr

[Gyoza]

lol the best yet mate