- Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy, “We'll lie and say we only found two!”
- A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!
- Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."
- Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you.”
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, stupid, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
- Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
- The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs, and they're going to drill for their own oil.
- Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
- Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Then
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your plane!"
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
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Q.. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A.. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy
one! -------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have a form of disease known as Bluetongue. ( foot and mouth )
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
