"Time for a Laugh"

[rockhole]

When you are over sixty who gives a damn ?

This arsehole of a girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Tooheys or Fosters?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, Yesterday."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[Western Red]

[BenDoolan]

Hahaha......excellent! =D>

[F111]

The sensuous wife.
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............

"Go look in the garage," .

[nudder12]

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

[nudder12]

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ..
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage
that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage,
ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right.ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...


Ees..........




Ees...


Ees.........


Ees......



. Eees a Ham Bush!!

[nudder12]

RECORD HIGH JUMP FROM A KNEELING POSITION

A new world record in the 'high jump from a kneeling position was set last week at a beach in southern France .
This picture was taken just two seconds before the jump took place.